Frequently Asked Questions

This page is kind of a disclaimer.  If you have found this page by accident, then I pity you.  Flee now, while there is still time.  If you are taking some type of web-development class and you need to use this site as an example "of terrible web design," so be it.  These things happen.

If you are still here, I shall hopefully answer your questions with a often-used "Frequently Asked Questions" segment.  Oddly enough, nobody ever visits this site, so there really isn't anything about the site that is frequent.  Even the updates are infrequent.  That all being said...

I think I remember something about Cobra.  Isn't that some sort of middleware that is used as a bridge between varying programming languages?
No, you're thinking of CORBA.  It stands for some computer programming acronym.  Oh, and you are a complete donk for that question.  I imagine that you must get laid all the time.

Oh, I remember.  Isn't Cobra something from a comic or TV show?  Didn't they fight the Autobots or some shit?
You get partial credit for that.  Cobra is the evil empire that wants to take over the world.  They fought G.I. Joe.

Dude, you totally ripped of that logo from Hasbro!
Really?  I don't see any resemblance.

I went to Comicon once.  The chick who played "The Baroness" was hot.
That isn't a question.

So what does Cobra have to do with all of this hockey crap?
Cobra is the name of our hockey team.

"Our?"  Who is we?
We are a bunch of guys from San Diego.  We have two teams.

Are you guys any good?
Are you kidding?  You must not follow sports.  We won the Stanley Cup, the Winston Cup, the Breeder's Cup and the Support Cup.  We kick ass.

So what, you keep news on this page about your beer league hockey teams?
Yes.  News, schedules and statistics.  And snide remarks.  We house those here as well.

What kind of hockey stats do you keep?
Both team and individual stats.  We really don't have a way to tie into the league records (so we don't have the overall stats for the entire league), so all of our stats are strictly Cobra related.  Nevertheless, we'll keep track of team statistics (Wins, Losses, Goals For, Goals Allowed, Power Play Percentage, etc.)  Likewise, we'll track individual stats (Goals, Assists, Penalty Minutes, Plus/Minus, etc.) for the players.

That is pretty pathetic.
That also isn't a question.

Oh.  Isn't that pretty pathetic?
Yes.

What is "unga bunga" mentioned on the Cobra Disciplinary Form?
I'm so glad you asked.  According to legend, two men were caught by a large, savage tribe.  Being savages, the tribe chief said to the first guy "Choose.  Death or unga bunga."  Obviously, the guy states "Unga bunga."  A great smile befalls the chief's face.  He lifts his arms in to the air and shouts "UNGA BUNGA!" to the cheers of the men in the tribe.  They proceed to have their way with the first guy, in the most, um, unpleasant way.   When all is said and done, the chief then turns to the second guy.  He says, "Choose: death or unga bunga."  The second guy is quick to respond.  Seeing what befell of the other guy, he says primly, "Death."  A great smile befalls the chief's face. He lifts his arms in to the air and shouts "DEATH BY UNGA BUNGA!"

Wasn't that a lot of setup for a pretty lame joke?
It is my job to answer quetions.

I see.  Back to stuff that is even less interesting.  Why can't you get the stats from the league and incorporate them into the site?
Primarily, it is because it is a lot of work for very little reward.  The stats maintained by the league are inaccurate and incomplete. Furthermore, the teams themselves don't help matters; there are many teams that have guys with duplicate numbers or no number at all.  Long story short: it is more difficult than its worth and the numbers we would keep wouldn't be accurate.

Well, why don't you just keep the league standings?
Yeah, I guess there really isn't a reason not to do that.  It would only take an email from the league director to tell us what the standings are for that week.  I guess we can work on that.

Why can't you idiots get my stats right?
There are a couple of reasons why some of the numbers may not seem to add up correctly.  First, Gordie or I has to be there to actually keep stats, or at least pre-arrange someone to act in our stead.  It has proven unreliable to collect meaningful statistics after the game.  Second, it also has to be a game that merits stats: if one team doesn't have a goalie or if there are no referees (or anything along those lines), we're not going to try to record them.  Finally, and this is the biggest culprit, especially for assists, it is easy to make mistakes.  Most guys are pretty good about telling me when they score, but it can be difficult to record the assists.  Bottom line is, if you helped in the goal, help me (or whomever) in recording the stat for it.

What else does this site include?
Other things which don't really relate to hockey. Be forewarned, however, that anything that isn't hockey (or Wiffleball) related is probably crap.  You'd do well to avoid it.

What about the painfully unfunny content of this site?  What is the deal with that?
The only thing funny about the site is Erik Muller's career stats.  Actually, I would describe that as "ludicrous" or "preposterous."

Ok, I see the bad jokes.  I'm fine with that, what is the other stuff?
Most of the non-hockey content relates to my non-hockey life.  Apparently, the Internet is a convenient place to post stories and pictures.

What is this nonsense about Whiffle Ball?
I have several issues with that.  First, no "h" in "Wiffle." Second, Wiffleball is one word.  Finally, if you have no experience with the Wiff5k, then go to hell.

That was a bit unecessary.
Yeah, you're right.  I'm sorry.  Let me ask you a few questions.

Ok.  Make it quick.
Why the hell are you on my site?

That's a good question.  I was....  Wait.  Screw you, jackass, I'm the one asking the questions!
My mistake.

Now, seriously, why are you still on this thread?  This got completely unfunny a few gags ago.
Yeah, you have a point.